"losing my balance too"

Sep. 20th, 2017 07:12 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Back when I wrote journals for Abundance's eyes only, I used to include a section on what I was coveting on any given day. Sometimes it helped me not buy things, sometimes it helped me pull the trigger on something that actually would make my life better.
 
For the moment, I've passed through the valley of eye makeup.   I know that I need to read or get rid of a lot of books I've got loitering around unread, I usually limit myself to only buying things by authors that I'm already devoted to (Seanan McGuire, Gail Carriger, Max Gladstone were the last three, I believe) and I've channeled my acquistiveness into a giant, excessively organized s/s of the books I want to read.   I've realized that the internet is where to get recipes from, so my cookbook acquisition has ground to a halt as well.  Any day now I'm going to break up with the thirty thousand indie perfume sites I visit and stop ordering samples.  
 
Sidenote: That said, I find the indie makeup reddit a weirdly welcoming and comforting place and I feel like there are other communities like that that I should be availing myself of.  Maybe Captain Awkward forums?  or some other yet-to-be-discovered thing?  I remember fondly the days when 60% of my socializing took place on alt.goth, and then later when a smaller but still significant percentage took place on dar williams and nields mailing lists.  And facebook isn't really the same thing, I'm not actually engaging with strangers there.
 
I don't need more things in the house, I don't feel like I have a good handle on all the stuff that is already in the house. But in the back of my mind, there's a voice that tells me maybe this next thing is going to be the thing that makes me happy enough to tip me over into a state of relative emotional stability.  Maybe the next perfume will make me self-confident, maybe the frank lloyd wright branded pencils will make me feel put together and nerdy enough to stop doubting my every move. Maybe the next kickstarter/patreon will save me.  And I know it's not true, I know that there are things that I'm just going to have to eventually negotiate internally or accept but that doesn't make me look longingly at the sock dreams website with any less regularity.
 
When telling people (light, abundance, my therapist) about my thought/belief/realization that I'm not getting any better, I keep sidetracking myself and talking about not getting better _at_ something (usually poly) rather than just this feeling of trying to achieve some goal of betterness and not getting there.  why else these twenty years of pills and therapy, these thirteen years of sobriety, this striving?
 
I should have made the brie-caramelized onion-apple pizza for dinner tonight, but while running errands today (heading home from dropping Light off at work after his doctor's appointment and buying Tank his birthday present) I did something (hit a pothole? ran over something? did some other thing that panic made me black out on (though I don't think I lost any time)) that gave my car a flat tire.  I drove maybe another block or five, pulled into a parking lot and called Light. AAA showed up very quickly (they were apparently just hanging out in the rite aid parking lot), changed my tire and sent me on my way.  I of course was crying and hyperventilating at this point, but made my way home and then ran out of steam completely.  I should have taken a nap, but even after the adrenalin should have worn off, I was still jittery.  Tired, but jittery.  I watched a baaad horror movie on netflix, cleaned a little, tried to walk the dog (Nonsense was having none of it, she is not a fan of rain) and did very little else, which included not making the pizza.
 
And I just remembered I forgot to pick up the farm share.  Blargh.  And I just noticed how late it is, and have decided to no longer wait for anyone to get home to eat my dinner.

Stupid me

Sep. 19th, 2017 05:29 pm
oakfarm: The mysterious island, Jules Verne (Default)
[personal profile] oakfarm
I realized something. I have been using photo.google.com to host pictures I have shared here. That was logical to me, one just have to click one icon to upload a photos one have taken with a phone. But the thing is that I suspect no one but me can see the photos. That proves I don't understand the technology.

To try another metod. Lets share an ad for a tree hotel. For no other reason that it's a tree hotel.

Edit: Now I have updated the two pics on my entry from yesterday.


omnia_mutantur: (Default)
[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Stepping into the shower at the gym today, I crashed, all of a sudden flooded with the thought "I'm not getting any better", and proceeded, unable to shake it loose.
 
Immediately before this thought, I was thinking I needed a nickname for Light's girlfriend, but none of the things I can come up with sound value-neutral enough, and I don't know her very well, and I asked him if he wanted to invite her to see a movie with the three of us, and it's not that I especially want to hang out with her, I just know that I'm supposed to be chiller than I am, and so am going to force myself to perform more chillness than I feel.
 
My mother always told me to behave as if I was happy, that it was close enough to being happy, that it was what everyone wanted. I never bought it, I knew she just wanted me to be easier for her to deal with, but apparently I internalized it enough that the bully that lives inside my skin reminds me it's my job to be easier for other people has the litany memorized.
 
I try so hard to be unflappable.  I'm not, but I try so hard.  Though a couple nights ago I announced that I thought I was a harpy, but then had an internal conversation with myself externally (it was late and we were on our way to bed) about how maybe being a harpy is like being attractive, it's in the eye of the beholder and only the beholder knows how they feel about harpiness or attraction.
 
I fall down so often and so thoroughly and I don't know how to stop.  I feel like whatever the emotional equivalent of my knees is spends a lot of time skinned and dirty. I need to be able to let Abundance and Light be poly in whatever ways they need, despite my fears of losing everyone.  I think Delight doesn't get factored into this conversation because despite my deep, deep love for her, since we don't cohbait, we see each other a couple times a week and while Starchild may mean I get less of her attention, I suspect Starchild will also mean I see her more often, when things settle out.  I need to be more confident, less scared, less volatile.   And I'm 41 years old, there are a lot of places I'm feeling like if I haven't gotten there yet, I'm probably not going to get there in the future.
 
 Self-pity's such a good look, you know.
matt1993: (strong bad computer ketchup)
[personal profile] matt1993
So... I've known about Chip's Challenge since I first played it in late 2004 or early 2005. And I've had Mario Party 3 since... I don't even remember when, but probably sometime between 2004 and 2007.

And yet it somehow took me twelve years or so to realize that "Chip Shot Challenge" (the name of one of the minigames in Mario Party 3) is likely a reference to Chip's Challenge?! I literally just realized it yesterday! Wow.

Has that ever happened to you where some game/movie/book/show/song/etc. you like makes a reference to another game/movie/whatever you like and you don't realize it until years after you first liked both? :)


In completely unrelated news, now I've fixed 218 out of 1,193 entries. At the rate I'm going, I won't have them all fixed until about November 28. And by then something else will have probably gone wrong and I'll have to spend three months fixing something else on LJ and/or DW. :(

(no subject)

Sep. 18th, 2017 04:12 pm
oakfarm: The mysterious island, Jules Verne (Default)
[personal profile] oakfarm
 “Nationalism is not to be confused with patriotism. Both words are normally used in so vague a way that any definition is liable to be challenged, but one must draw a distinction between them, since two different and even opposing ideas are involved. By ‘patriotism’ I mean devotion to a particular place and a particular way of life, which one believes to be the best in the world but has no wish to force on other people. Patriotism is of its nature defensive, both militarily and culturally. Nationalism, on the other hand, is inseparable from the desire for power. The abiding purpose of every nationalist is to secure more power and more prestige, not for himself but for the nation or other unit in which he has chosen to sink his own individuality.”

George Orwell. 

I have lived my whole life not knowing there's a different between nationalism and patriotism. Nor did I know that George Orwell hated nationalism and loved patriotism.

About fish and supermarkets

Sep. 18th, 2017 04:03 pm
oakfarm: The mysterious island, Jules Verne (Default)
[personal profile] oakfarm



I made some lingonberry herrings. And here is a photo of it. It’s a traditional recipe. Also everytime I mention lingonberry to dad he will tell the story about the hundred year old woman in a village close to there he grew up. That hundred year old woman said eating lingonberries every day was one reason she had gotten so old.

I have another eating fish tale (not fish tail) from last week. I was at a Surströmming party. Surströmming is the old way of preserving baltic herrings by fermenting them, and get a dish sometimes found on “most disgusting food in the world” lists. The bacteria that ferments fish produce a lot of bad smelling sulfur compounds. Or, in other words, “It’s a bloody stink bomb”.



Wikipedias pic of the fish.

Then people say that the Icelandic fermented shark, smells even worse. Also there’s other people that ferment fish too. One time I got a link to a video about the Japanese version of fermented fish. Watch it if you want to see that not everyone likes it.
 


On the other hand, they now say fermented food is healthy. Builds up good bacterias in the stomach and so. (Ok, the real health thing with Surströming is that it’s made from baltic herrings, and that sea is full of dioxins.)

Food is always interesting. The way supermarkets have developed the last decades. It’s so much more products now. I remember going to a supermarket, ask for tofu and get the answer: “What’s that, I never heard of it?”. Now supermarket not only sell several types of tofu they even sells miso paste, not instant miso soup, that come at least ten years ago, the past itself. And if anyone think this sad that the culture of the world becomes standinaced, that supermarkets all over the world sell the same thing, for example miso paste. The same supermarkets selling miso, still sells Surströmming. Do your supermarkets sell that?

Thinking about how supermarkets have changed also makes one wonder how they will be in like ten years. Climate smart protein sources like insects och jelly fish? Those tomatoes genetic engineered to have as much resveratrol as 50 bottles of red wine in them? If it sounds far stretched, ten years ago no one could have guessed that they in 2017 would sell vegan chocolate with quinoa or amaranth in it.



My pic from Munich, train station.

(no subject)

Sep. 17th, 2017 09:51 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Newsy posts totally count when I don't have the stamina for anything emotional, I tell myself.
 
I went to a memorial today, back in the coastal massachusetts town my grandfather used to own a house in.   When he died, his three sons (my father and his two brothers) couldn't agree on what to do with it, (my father is not talking to one of his brothers, and the other brother, my favorite uncle, runs gobetween).  The whole family was there, including a bunch of basically-cousins that I barely remember. 
 
The ocean was warmed than we expected, and so when my nephews and their fathers (my brothers) charged into the ocean, so did I.  So I got to hang out in the ocean for the third day in a row, laughing racuously with small people and having an absolute blast.  The fog was thick in a stephen king kind of way, but this was the same beach we went to every summer for my entire childhood and then some.   
 
We didn't vacation as children, my mother had epic and awful road trips with her four siblings and my father just didn't travel.  (the running joke was apparently that my grandmother believed you needed a passport to go outside of 128).  This was it, and I mostly hated it because it was just so much family time and so much sun  Still these days I look so pale next to any member of my biofamily.
 
Then home, and dog to the dog park, and puzzle and Survivor with Abundance and Secret World with Light, and I have a new Kris Delmhorst sticker for my laptop.   Today I tore through yet another adorable lesbian romance and now it's time for bed.

(no subject)

Sep. 17th, 2017 05:39 pm
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[personal profile] lycomingst
Netflix movie The Deep Blue Sea )

A quiet week in the neighborhood except for the car that ran into a house across the way. The other night about 2AM, I was about to turn off my light and go to sleep and I heard a thump, not a crash but more like when the garbage truck empties a dumpster. Then a guy is yelling, and I’m thinking it’s some kind of domestic fight. And he yells for a long time and after a while there’s cops and firefighters, and looking out the window I see a car up against a house. I live in a mobile home park and there’s a lane between houses that lets two cars pass. This car was on the wrong side of the road. Perhaps a little too much happy juice. The next morning I could see that a real job had been done on the house’s skirting. The owners have only restricted access for safety. That’s the third time a car has run into a house since I lived here.


I finished a book, And Furthermore by Judi Dench. Lots of anecdotes, nothing too deep but enjoyable. She had a fine time, thank you very much. She didn’t mention my favorite movie of hers, On Giant’s Shoulders which was actually a BBC play of the week. I have no recollection how I came across it.

I realized I saw her in a play, The Gay Lord Quex. I’d tell you how many years ago but I don’t want to scare you. I don’t remember her only Daniel Massey.


Meme:; Kitchen, favorite comfort food.

Well, my mother wasn’t a good cook, neither was my childhood home a place of comfort. So I don’t have any memories to go to.

But I’m not a good cook either but most any kind of pasta makes me happy.

Weekend

Sep. 18th, 2017 12:32 am
purple_crocus: (reading)
[personal profile] purple_crocus
I've had a really nice, if full, weekend! Party on Friday night at Doug's, he had a housewarming. Then looking at new laptops on Saturday (and not finding any :( ) and then driving chairs to Jules for a Gatsby themed party (wine and chat and Norwegian waffles!) and then today I have been resting. Reading, listening to podcasts, and sleeping lots. It has been needed!

Now I'm just behind in other things like laundry and piles of things that need sorting out :(

I'm reading Red Rising now by Pierce Brown and really really liking it! I'm on the second book of the series already.

I have my first exam on Wednesday, so got some studying to do this week and then it's already Rosh Hashana and then instead of studying, we've got our practical part of the course which is all the way out in Buch! That means apart from dinner and sleeping, I'll have no time at home for a month or so. Just have to get through it....

(no subject)

Sep. 16th, 2017 10:45 pm
omnia_mutantur: (Default)
[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 It's been a good day.

When I woke up this morning, I had another headache and a deep inability to wake all the way up.  And I hadn't even increased the ambien like I'm supposed to.  (the story gets better).  Abundance found me asleep on the couch with the dog when he got up and sent me back to bed.   When I woke back up, I realized that it wasn't the right place in my head for a migraine (migraine - stabby pain behind right eye, headache more like full-skull dull ache).  

I still doubt that I reallly have migraines, maybe I'm just faking it for the good drugs and the excuses they provide. Hell, I still sometimes wonder if I'm faking my alcoholism (thanks, parents!), for attention and excuses and all those things, to be special in some backwards sort of way. My couples counselor tried to give me permission to tell myself maybe sometimes things are just hard, I don't need to doubt all my reactions all the time.

After Abundane ran with the dog, we toasted blintzes from baza, and I ate them with my magical strawberry chocolate jam from Baza.  Then we dropped Light off at Bloc 11 and drove to salem to be on the boat.  It took me a little bit to re-adjust to the boat, it's been a while, but my hot pink watershoes were there and I got to be naked and have sex in a boat on the ocean, and then I even jumped off the boat.   Since we took Nonsense to Revere Beach yesterday, this means I went in the ocean two days in a row.  Took me until September, but I guess that's the way of it.   Well, technically I believe I was in the ocean many times in a row on vacation, but that's different.

Light pointed out that Irma destroyed our favorite vacation spot, and I keep randomly thinking about the strays on the  virgin islands, and thinking I should really try to get to australia and snorkel before everything is ruined/gone forever, but then maybe I should actually try to get SCUBA certified first, and how the hell am I going to find an instructor who actually understand the problems with lots of body fat and stumpy little arms.  

Then we came home, took Nonsense to the dog park.  Even though both Light and Abundance seem to enjoy watching Nonsense run around and it certainly makes my life easier having three pairs of eyes on the dog (I'm a worrier, I worry a lot about being That Dog Parent at the park.) I wonder if it's boring them, if it's selfish to not just take her myself.

Then we went to the book riot book club at PSB, which has the delightful format of a handful of people who j ust talk about whatever it is they read that month, and I got a recommendation for a childrens book that is, among other things, a subtle takedown of toxic masculinity according to the woman who talked about it.  

Then we went to It, up in Burlington with the fancy seats with footrests that pop up at the push of a button.   I do enjoy jump scares, like little tastes of the coming haunted houses this year, but I don't think I enjoyed the movie. I don't think I'll ever see the miniseries or read the book, but I do still love the experience of seeing movies in the theaters.

I've started reading Gena/Finn by Hannah Moskowitz and it's maybe a little on the nose about weird internet friendships/relationships (dear gods it makes me uncomfortable to think about how many folks from alt.goth I got into intense internet relationships with in my college years) and being some sort of crazy and one of the main characters is starting college and writes this vaguely unhinged letter to her parents she never sends and it just set off all the feels and so much of the college-related anger I still remember.  Abundance and I and Light and his girlfriend will all be in Philadelphia attending a con in November, and I think I might take Abundance to see my college campus, even if I don't know how I'll react.  (gods, it'll be my twenty year reunion next year.  Maybe I can convince Light and Abundance and Delight to all come with me, openly as my partners and see how that plays out.)

I'm all over the place, and it's time for bed, and I kind of want to talk about how all the things are making me feel old and my weird psychiatrist suggesting I have more of a schedule or get a retail holiday job and it just made me feel like I was either overreacting or explaining things badly, because I do have a schedule most days and I can't imagine a retail job doing anything other than wearing me thinner than I already am these days.  
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[personal profile] drplacebo
It's Forgotten Masterpiece Friday!

Ma Sicong (1912-1987) was China's earliest significant composer of music for Western instruments. He was best known as a violin virtuoso during his lifetime, often referred to in China as the "King of Violinists" from the 1930s through the 1950s. Although Ma did not grow up in a particularly musical family (his father was the finance minister of the province of Guangdong in the early years of the Republic of China), he and most of his siblings eventually became professional string players; his younger sister Ma Siju was probably China's leading cellist in the 1940s and 1950s. Ma Sicong himself was introduced to the violin when his older brother, who had gone to France to study music, brought him a violin on a visit home in the summer of 1923. He fell in love with the instrument, and before the end of the year, aged just eleven, he joined his brother in France. Except for a brief return to China in 1929, he remained in France until 1932 and studied violin and composition at the Paris Conservatoire.

After returning to Asia, Ma was active as a concert violinist and composer and held a series of faculty appointments, culminating in his appointment in 1949 as the first president of the Central Conservatory of Music in Beijing. He frequently represented China in musical events throughout the Communist bloc; in 1958 he served on the jury for the first Tchaikovsky International Competition in Moscow, which Van Cliburn famously won. But when the Cultural Revolution began in 1966, he and other leading music teachers in China were persecuted for teaching Western music. Upon his arrival at the Central Conservatory for the beginning of the 1966-67 academic year, he was arrested by the Red Guards and confined to a classroom for 103 days, and then brutally beaten before being released. In January 1967, he defected to the United States via Hong Kong, in a dramatic escape that involved him and his family being smuggled to Hong Kong aboard a fishing boat. He was briefly a celebrity in the West -- before the Cultural Revolution he had been China's single most prominent musician, and a friend of both Mao Zedong and Zhou Enlai, so his defection was seen as a major coup for the US -- and his music received a number of performances in the United States and Taiwan in 1967 and 1968. Meanwhile, after Life magazine published a first-person account by Ma titled "Cruelty and Insanity Made Me a Fugitive," he was tried and convicted of treason in absentia back in China, and all his music was banned. Ma Sicong spent the rest of his life in Philadelphia, composing only sporadically but continuing to perform as a violinist in the United States and Taiwan.

Eventually Ma Sicong was rehabilitated in China: his conviction for treason was rescinded in 1984, with Wu Zuqiang (then president of the Central Conservatory of Music) and Henry Kissinger traveling to Philadelphia to deliver him the news in person. On the Chinese New Year, 1985, more than a hundred Chinese newspapers ran front-page stories declaring that Ma Sicong was again welcome in China. In 1997, the tenth anniversary of his death was commemorated in Beijing with a concert of some of his best-known pieces, and in 2002 the Guangzhou Museum of Art opened a Ma Sicong Memorial Hall. In the United States, there was some renewed interest in his music beginning in 2012, as a number of musical organizations in the Philadelphia area commemorated the centennial of a Philadelphia resident famous in China yet largely unknown in his adopted hometown.

This week's forgotten masterpiece is Ma's second symphony, one of his few major works to be recorded. Composed in 1958-59, at the height of Ma's career in China, it was ostensibly based on Mao Zedong's poem "Loushan Pass" which commemorated the Red Army's first victory during the Long March, though the music is not explicitly programmatic in the sense of having any form of descriptive subtitles, and some of it draws more from 20th century trends in Western music such as use of medieval church modes. Although there are pauses between movements, the end of each movement and the beginning of the next are ingeniously written to form somewhat of a transition from one movement to the next. The first movement is short and in traditional sonata form, featuring a vigorous opening theme in Phrygian mode and a second theme based loosely on a Shaanxi folk song. The second movement is an anguished dirge that might represent the hardships of the long retreat, or mourning for fallen comrades. The third movement brings back the opening theme of the piece before transitioning into what might be a victory celebration featuring a number of folk dances.

Movements:
I. Allegro agitato
II. Adagio maestoso (5:27)
III. Allegro (16:58)

nanila: Your plastic pal who's fun to be with (star wars: k-2so)
[personal profile] nanila
[personal profile] emelbe and I set our alarms for 02:30 and 02:35 respectively, just to be sure we got up in time to walk over to Caltech for the end of mission. We dressed and poured coffee into ourselves, made sure we had our badges, and got out the door in plenty of time to arrive before 04:00, the official start of the event and NASA TV coverage.

20170915_115359
Walking up to Beckman Auditorium (aka the wedding cake) from the south.

As it happened. )
nanila: YAY (me: abby)
[personal profile] nanila
Thursday was meant to be a quiet day, since we all knew we had to be up and at Caltech by 4 AM for the thing we’d all been preparing for: the actual end of mission.

In reality, there were some impromptu science meetings at Caltech, one of which I attended in the morning. I slipped out just before noon, because I had someone to meet.

I headed down from Beckman to South Mudd to see my former JPL postdoctoral supervisor, from back in those heady days when I was still a lab scientist, for lunch. I hadn’t seen him since 2006. I eventually remembered where his Caltech office was. I could’ve found the JPL one much more easily, but it would have required me to check in and get a badge, which seemed a lot of faff for lunch. Besides, there are nicer places to eat in Pasadena. Once in the correct corridor, I spotted his technician hovering outside the door, plus another UK person from the physical chemistry community whom I’d never met but knows the bloke pretty well. There were lots of smiles and hugs, and we decided to head down to a restaurant over on Lake Street.

We had a very pleasant hour of conversation, reminiscing and catching up. I had a shock on hearing that their children, whom I remembered as children or young teenagers, were now grown up and had careers of their own. Of course I knew that would have happened in the intervening decade-plus, but it’s not until you actually speak together about these things that they’re driven home to you. They were equally shocked on learning that Humuhumu has started school - and has a younger sibling! The bloke and I had been remiss in our communication, clearly. We talked of science, of course, and of politics and its effects on research direction, and of our worries about the future due to Brexit and the current US administration.

I am still kicking myself for forgetting to take a photo. You must instead picture me with a group of men: one starting to disappear into the frailty of old age, peering out earnestly from large-framed glasses, one solid and grey-haired and mostly silent with twinkling blue eyes, and one cheeky-grinned middle-aged bear of a chap with a shock of brown hair and a beard. All sitting together in a booth of a Japanese restaurant, eagerly shoveling the contents of bento boxes into our faces, occasionally bursting into roars of laughter while cheesy ‘90s music played in the background.

We parted with promises not to let another eleven years pass before we met again. I was left with the warm glow you get from (re)connecting with friendly, kind, intelligent people. It was a lovely way to buffer against the excitement and strain of what was to come on Friday morning.

20170914_214801
Chilling out in my JPL t-shirt before the end of mission.
nanila: fulla starz (lolcat: science)
[personal profile] nanila
On Wednesday morning, [personal profile] emelbe and I saddled up and drove over to the Jet Propulsion Lab for a tour. We put her trusty sat nav on, and I noticed that instead of a car, the little icon was an x-wing. She turned the audio on. “Driven well you have,” said Yoda. “In a quarter of a mile, turn left. It is your destiny.”

It was decided that it was fitting for Yoda to be allowed to direct us to JPL.

20170913_171945
JPL tour badge with Curiosity on the front. We got to keep these.

Tour, with side trips down memory lane )
omnia_mutantur: (Default)
[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
I have a sweetly curled up dog, yet another horror movie on Netflix and another migraine.  I had one Sunday, I don't know if I should chalk it up to a couple very bright days and nights of poor sleep, or if things are escalating.  I ordered a pizza and now all I want is an ice cream sundae, complete with hot fudge and possibly even one of those toxic red cherries on top.  I could foodler one up, but somehow that's a bridge too far for even me. 

The omeprazole doesn't seem to be doing as good a job lately, and I know if I go back to the doctor, she'll push for a food diary and possibly another colonoscopy/endoscopy and I don't really want either.  But last night was all heartburn and belching until the wee hours and I don't want that either.

I canceled on Intention this evening, before I even figured out it was a migraine (it's weird that I'm still not great at judging migraine pain until I take the pills and it's absent and I'm like "oh, that's what turning my head is supposed to feel like/not feel like."), when I just thought that I wasn't feeling up to strangers. 

Today felt off. I could barely wake up, I don't even know how I spent the morning, though I suspect cleaning.  Out to Brookline to my psychiatrist, with time to kill I went and bought a bra at Lady Grace, and I know bra sizing is basically black magic, but now I'm a 42C, which doesn't seem quite right and somehow makes me feel like my boobs are shrinking.  It was so hard after the reconstruction, when I got rid of almost all of my clothes because they didn't hang right, because my pre-surgery boobs were larger, because I hadn't understood, hadn't asked the right questions, didn't know how much things were going to change, and my surgeon told me it wasn't that much of a change, that I had the largest implants available.   But once, I was a DD and I don't feel like I've lost weight but I refuse to get on a scale. And the woman suggested I avoid underwires, because of the aforemtnioned implants.   But I felt strange and sad and reminded that I'd lost something.  Oh, and matronly.  Lady Grace does not stock sexy not-underwire bras in my size.  

Then to pick Light up at work, stopped in at Staples and was unable to resist the idea of a staple that contained a pencil sharper. (we needed the stapler, i'm not so sure about the pencil sharpener.)  Then couples, and home, and then meds and pizza and Light's at one of his D&D games and Abundance is at a meetup, and there's all these goals I set myself for the week that I haven't done.   Financial things for our financial advisor, all the dishes, made bananas bread and tibetan burritos, wrangled the rest of the medical billing, finished the cross stitch.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow.  And I should catch up on emails, and I should read that dog training book, and find the next class for Nonsense to take, and I should find a volunteer opportunity and yet.

I want to buy all the seasonal fall and halloween indie perfumes, I want everything to be pumpkin flavored. I want it to be time to roast squashes and open the windows. 



nanila: fulla starz (lolcat: science)
[personal profile] nanila
I flew into Los Angeles on the Sunday before the last-while-Cassini-is-still-in-orbit-around-Saturn Project Science Group meeting began. I was feeling dodgy when I got up at 6 AM, but I napped in the taxi and took some ibuprofen, and hoped that the feeling would go away.

It did not.

I made sure my usual mobile pharmacy (ibuprofen, paracetamol, Rennie) was stocked in my rucksack before I boarded the plane, and was glad I'd done so about three hours into the flight when my fever started spiking. I alternated ibuprofen and paracetamol every two hours. The flight attendants kindly granted all of my requests for cold water/cans of ginger ale, which were frequent. It was one of the most miserable long-haul flights I've ever had.

I spent nearly all of Monday in bed apart from a brief foray out to get a hot Thai curry into my belly for lunch. This paid off on Tuesday, and I was able to spend half a day at Caltech to dial into the penultimate operations meeting. (There will be one more after the crash, but obviously we’ll no longer have an instrument status to report.) I was excited about this, because I had been saving up something for a very long time.

In fine fettle was the other option )

to be continued

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 10:17 pm
omnia_mutantur: (Default)
[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 It continues to bewilder me how quickly some of these days go by, and how I end so many of them doing laps around the dining room table to get up to 10K steps.

I took my dog to the dog park to work with the trainer, and I was struck with how comparatively short a time Nonsense has been with us, and how much of my life she's become. She's no Buckets, to peaceably sleep out her middle and old age on the couch for eight hours at a time, she's no 12lb dog I don't need to worry about training because I can just pick her up if she needs to be re-directed.  And as I told the dog massage therapist at the dog fair, I'm much older than her and have a lot more ability to emotionally regulate, and I'm not over my anxiety, I have no expectation of her ever being not-anxious, I just want to do as much for her as I can.

I got to spend the afternoon with Delight, mostly sans baby.  Something about her being gone for so long during starchild's adoption quest seems to have jacked up the volume on my twitterpatedness with her, and I was already pretty twitterpated to begin with.  

I started to read Emma Cline's The GIrls, and got to a part where the protagonist is in her teens and lies about having seen a movie in order to look cool to her crush-object and gets caught in the lie, and my entire body cringed and I realized this was all bad enough the first through threehundredth time, reliving it doesn't necessarily gain me anything.  I'll try the book again, just because, but today I gave myself a break and started listening to Elizabeth Kostova's latest epic.

I remember how freeing it was to finally learn to just tell Light (and then everyone else) that their cultural referents were lost on me, instead of trying to vague it up to appear to share a language. I remember a kid in high school telling me I was cool because it was obvious I knew the lyrics to a they might be giants song, but didn't feel compelled to sing along to prove that I did.  And I still sometimes want to pretend that I've read all the books, followed all the news, done all the things, but it's good to remember that I'm happier not having to remember all the half-truths. 

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 05:40 pm
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[personal profile] lycomingst
The package I was waiting for from Amazon has been delivered to "the mail room". There is NO mail room" here. Yesterday they managed to find my house to deliver something to my actual house but today a mail room has suddenly appeared and is accepting packages. How? Why? There is not even a whisper of a mail room in my vicinity. I am perplexed, nonplussed even.

(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2017 05:21 pm
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[personal profile] omnia_mutantur
 Day 2.  (it still counts if I write the (admittedly short) post and don't post it)

Startlingly good weekend, despite the addition of a migraine Saturday evening.  Sunday was a blast, we took Nonsense to the Somerville Dog Festival and got her fitted for both a harness for more ease of running with Abundance and a lifejacket, so we can take her out on Abundance's boat.  We also got to see the amazing woman who helped us with Buckets' end of life care, and Nonsense got eat raspberry-duck ice cream with fish skin toppings.

I keep thinking about ideas of friendship, how I've changed, what it was in each decade of my life, what it is now, what I miss and what I don't miss.  I don't have the points to write about it now, but I'm leaving this as a breadcrumb for a future omnia.

Weiterbildung

Sep. 10th, 2017 10:27 pm
purple_crocus: (cookies)
[personal profile] purple_crocus
Is LJ down? I can't seem to access it, but I don't know if it's because it's down or because my laptop is getting too old and therefore chrome doesn't always work any more or whatever.

So, I started my course. I have now done two weeks of it and I'm going to bloody continue but....it is hard. So hard. But also quite good. But hard anyway. The material, the new routine, the new people, the tasks I have to do, everything all at once! I spent the whole first week having a basically constant panic attack. Luckily small ones where I didn't have to vomit, but still horrendous.

We did a lot of admin at the beginning and application coaching for the internship part of the programme and our course leader was quite brusque about it all. He also mentioned that we wouldn't be doing certain parts of the programme because "he found it boring", which I found quite fishy. Then he left on the third day of the programme because he was heading off to get married. However everyone else has been really nice! The professor is really lovely and understanding and she had a baby 4 months ago so she also has a stand in, who is also lovely! My course mates are all from outside Berlin and have various different reasons for attending but they're also all lovely people.

We have been doing a lot of basics in Biology again but faster and with more of a lab based approach, which I find really good. I have been taking copious notes and filling in lots of notebooks. I am not afraid to ask questions out loud and I am quite enjoying actually learning again! We have also been going over computer programs such as excel and gimp and powerpoint which has been useful.

However it all moves really really fast and I feel like I am barely keeping up. As well as all the lessons, we also have to produce and give a presentation on a topic (mine is whole mount in situ hybridisation) in powerpoint, make a short list of places we would like to do an internship at, and get all our application papers in order and uploaded. It is exhausting. And I can't find half the papers I need :(

Anyway, bedtime again as I have to wake up at 6 :(
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